JORDADDY
White noise9/2/2018 Well, I guess I've been busy. I've had time to write, and yet I haven't. I can't say its been for lack of ideas, or inspiration but rather motivation. Or perhaps too many thoughts overwhelming me. Particularly lately my head has been a jumble of things. I know that overall I'm happy. I surround myself with people that make me happy. But still theres always this white noise in the back of my head that sometimes get overwhelmingly loud. It creeps up and drowns the happiness and I'm stuck in that struggle of trying to find the off switch.
Tonight the white noise has gotten to that point. I had a good day, nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, if I had to relive today I would do it the exact same way. Yet here I am sitting on a couch that is not mine. Wrapped in a blanket with the t.v turned to Harry Potter (deathly hallows pt 2 for those wondering.) and I'm drowning with thoughts I'd rather not think. You see, in all my other posts I've tried to take things for a positive and borderline educational turn yet some days theres no lessons to learn. Somedays you take what you get and you just get through it. You count down the hours to a new day and you survive. I wrote this blog with an intention of being honest with my audience and in the act of being completely transparent I feel like shit right now. In this moment I hate everything. Tomorrow seems as though it will be a nuisance and tonight feels as though it will never end. I am someone that struggles with mental illness. I commonly understate the extremity of it for fear of being stereotyped and labeled for things I am not. This white noise that fills my head will be something I deal with for the rest of my life. It comes in waves now just as I'm sure it will then. The white noise will be in the background no matter how much I try to overpower it. Everyday people around us have their personal struggles. We all learn and we all do our best to cope but sometimes we drown, and I'm starting to think that, thats aright. Mental illness or not we can have days where we feel like the sky is falling and we as humans are allowed to be happy but also a bit sad at the same time. I am grateful for everything I have and I couldn't ask for more but today, or rather tonight is a night where I'm going to allow myself to drown. And then tomorrow, I'll pull myself up and try my hand at trying to overpower the white noise for a little bit longer. Shit happens, we all drown sometimes. Find a way to pull yourself up and give it another go.
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