JORDADDY
As you are7/12/2018 When I was in elementary school I remember struggling on how to respond to the question "who is your role model" or "who do you want to be like when you grow up". Other kids would pick celebrities or family members but I never truly felt I could connect with any of my options. Its not that I didn't admire them but rather I just knew I wasn't like them. I feel like from a young age we are told to look for role models. We are influenced into finding someone we admire and then attempt to follow their footsteps. I mean with social media invading just about every aspect of our lives how could we not gain these preconceived notations of how we should be? We chase after picture perfect lifestyles and personalities we never truly see the full side of rather than looking at ourselves and embracing what we have. It's okay to look at successful people and draw inspiration from what they do but too many times I find we try to recreate what we think we want. I guess in a sense it all boils down to the question of how well do you know and love yourself?
For so long I thought I knew who I was. I went through majority of high school thinking I knew what I wanted and knew who I was going to be. I suppressed all the things I didn't like about myself. I acted in ways I thought other people would like and I had a constant anxiety of doing something wrong. We live in a society where people question the unordinary. I am someone who is constantly having solo dance parties or saying whatever comes to my mind and making loud and obnoxious squeals. I do and react to things naturally without a filter and so many times I'm faced with questions from those around me saying things like "why are you so extra?" or "Jorden you're so weird". Rather than apologizing like how I used to, I now simply shrug and continue. If anything, I'll spew a little "I am what I am". The past couple months, as I'm sure if you've read my previous blogs you'll know; I've been working a lot on self reflection. I had so much anxiety of how I was talking to people or what I might do to offend someone or have them not like me. What I've learned is that we are all so caught up in the status quo. We shame our friends for making mistakes or doing things out of the ordinary rather that embracing the learning experience or loving them for their individualism. I am someone that cares very deeply for my friends. If someone needs something I try to help them as much as I can, my fault in this is sometimes split loyalty or caring for someone so much I refuse to acknowledge helping them is not for the better. I've made mistakes in doing too much for the wrong people but I know that if I was presented the same situation again I would do the exact same thing because in that moment I thought I was doing what was right. I am someone that is loud and creative and quirky and rather than suppress those things about myself I've learned to embrace them because they make me who I am and they are what set me apart. I embrace the good and the bad in myself and am accountable if the bad sometimes goes too far. I have mood swings, sometimes I gossip a little too much and god do I hate doing my dishes. While I can work on those things sometimes the best thing I can do is just be aware of them and not make excuses when that bad part of me gets in the way. Over the last couple months I've been stepping out of my comfort zone and really focusing on experiencing life. I bought a ticket to Hawaii on a whim with some friends, went to a reggae concert, booked a solo trip to Africa to visit a family friend, went to a rave, bought a hedge hog and have been seeing my friends and doing fun things with them. I've been a little bit of all over the place and rather than cheering me on people around me ask me why. Why have I been acting so different. Why I want to go on these trips. Why I want to go see music I don't even listen to. Why am I being someone they do not recognize. Honestly, why even question it? I'm having fun, I'm living my life. Putting myself in environments I'm not accustomed to has really opened my perspectives and changed me for the better. I've been exposed to so many different and lovely people. Each one holding a unique trait or the potential to be incredible. I see and meet new people from different crowds and I draw inspiration from them. I grow and I learn and I open myself up to different lifestyles and cultures and I celebrate the individualism of the world we live in. I wrote this blog today because I want to encourage people to live their best life unapologetically. I want people to learn about themselves and what makes them happy and follow through on it. Live your life and be yourself because being what others want you to gets you nowhere. Being like those personalities you see on social media doesn't mean you're better than others or that you have some secret figured out. You have the secret figured out when people can attack your insecurities and you can move on without a second thought because you love who you are. We are not perfect, we have flaws but the best we can do is embrace them and love ourselves not in spite of but rather because of everything that makes us, us. My name is Jorden Paige Blackwell. I am someone who thinks deeply and acts loud. I run from things that don't have an immediate fix and I fear imperfection or the idea of not achieving. I have resting bitch face and sometimes I face my anger with passive aggressive actions. I trust others easily and assume the best. I embrace what I can't change and I allow people to make mistakes and accept apologies when they come my way. I'm passionate and I care sometimes too much but I constantly focus on growth. I dance and I sing and I guess now I write. I want to travel and I want to live my life as freely as I can while simultaneously building it for the future. I'm great with long distance friendships because I enjoy moving around. I hate cooking, I love board games and cats are definitely better than dogs. I'm quick and witty but sometimes I gain a loss of words. I'm afraid of spiders and in five years I'd like to be vegan. I love reading and obviously the books are better than the movie but I will never turn down a Harry Potter movie marathon. I am what I am. Love yourself, embrace your imperfections and live your life the way you want to live it. -Jorden
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My own incremental stairway up7/3/2018 Nine months ago my life was nothing short of a raging shit show. I had stopped taking my anti depressants, my personal life drama infiltrated both my work and living space and my head was spinning in a million different directions. I had no idea where I wanted to be or go and what paths to take. Every goal I made just seemed way to far out of reach and so I never particularly worked towards them knowing it wouldn't work. Not only was my relationships with just about everyone wavering but I had no clue who I as a person was or wanted to be. Was I going to be a dancer? If so why wasn't I taking classes and going to auditions like I promised I would? Did I want to get promoted at my current job? If yes why wasn't I doing more to prove that. How about school? Thats an option maybe I could do that. It were as if I was given a jigsaw puzzle with no reference photo and a quarter of the pieces missing. Seeing the big picture is impossible when you don't have the slightest idea of what that picture may be. So what do you do when your life is almost as messy as your bedroom floor? You eventually pick your crap up piece by piece.
Once I realized my life was currently aiming in a downward spiral I had to gain some big dick energy and sort out some on my problems at work and home. I'll be honest and admit I did not embrace any sort of big dick energy and definitely cried in the back room of where I work for a solid 45 minutes. However, that conversation that lead to tears was a necessary one in dealing with my life drama, once that was sorted it was a long road to learning from that experience and preventing the same events from happening again. If you can take anything out of this paragraph I suggest that if have life drama find the source and hash that shit out. Accept your wrong doings and move on. Whether thats cutting ties or rebuilding a relationship that was previously failing then thats what you need to do. Ghosting or avoiding situations do LITERALLY NOTHING. The silent treatment is stupid. Don't let your inner high schooler tell you otherwise. Once apologies have been received and given focus on moving forward, don't make the same mistakes and be conscious of how you may have had part in perpetuating any issues that lead to it all. Following fixing my relationships with people I really had to focus on myself. Now that I wasn't worried about what everyone else was doing or saying it was time to take action in getting my life together and figuring out where in the hell I was going. This is where my personalized incremental stairway came into action. I am a very list oriented person. If there is no physical list then it is not something I need to immediately take action on. Essentially if I don't have it staring me down in the face making me feel guilty I'm not doing it and will pretend it is not necessary. I'm pretty sure my very first list tackled a whole bunch of tasks I had put off since moving. Things like applying for passport, meeting with the bank to get a credit card, getting my tires changed etc. "well Jorden what did any of these things have to do with fixing yourself" in all honesty it had just about everything to do with it. Starting this list was exactly what I needed because all the things I put on there were things that caused me major anxiety. By forcing myself to follow the list I was accomplishing one or two things a week and forcing myself to get out of bed get dressed and do at least SOMETHING for myself. Instead of laying in bed staring at a wall wide awake for hours on end I was starting to put some productivity back into my life. While conquering things on the list I was also conquering my anxieties but also combatting my depression. Eventually things got crossed off and were replaced with things like making plans with a friend, planning a hike, applying for school, enrolling in classes, following up on projects for work, etc. My to do list forced me into taking small steps towards the big goal of bettering myself. All of these so called goals or steps may seem superficial or inferior but they were the steps I needed to get on track. Once I was working toward myself I was able to release all the anxiety of not doing anything and finally start to think of what more I could do and what I really wanted to get out of it all. Nine months later and I am tossing my chalkboard dresser in which my lists used to lay. All those small tasks have now become habits and routines and I am able to clearly see how to get from point a to point b. My baby steps are still just baby steps but they are all moving up. Its as if life is a games of chutes and ladders except I had no ladders and my dice can only roll a one. One step at a time with a thousand opportunities the fall back down. It is nine months later and I have readjusted my future goals giving up a career in dance. I am enrolled and excelling in my ASU program for Mass Media and Communication. I have an incredible group of friends that literally spent all of Canada day with me just because they knew it was something I cared about and wanted to celebrate. My living situation is great and I am happy to call this small condo my home. Since crying in the backroom of my workplace I have been recently promoted and am thrilled to be taking on more responsibility and learning what more I can do and help. In addition to all that I'm planning trips and taking action to travel and experience the world. It's been a long time coming and it doesn't always run smoothly but I am in a place that I am happy with. Things don't change unless you do. Take responsibly for your actions or your lack there of and start somewhere. Make your lists and make them small but cross your shit out and keep moving. Life is a jigsaw puzzle with a quarter of the pieces missing and you have no idea what the picture your piecing together is supposed to be. But, if you can find at least somewhere to start then eventually you'll be able to put your pieces together one by one and create a small idea of what the picture your building will turnout to be. That my friend, is at least further then you were before. -Jorden AuthorJust another cranky 90's baby living in Las Vegas. Archives
January 2020
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