JORDADDY
My own incremental stairway up7/3/2018 Nine months ago my life was nothing short of a raging shit show. I had stopped taking my anti depressants, my personal life drama infiltrated both my work and living space and my head was spinning in a million different directions. I had no idea where I wanted to be or go and what paths to take. Every goal I made just seemed way to far out of reach and so I never particularly worked towards them knowing it wouldn't work. Not only was my relationships with just about everyone wavering but I had no clue who I as a person was or wanted to be. Was I going to be a dancer? If so why wasn't I taking classes and going to auditions like I promised I would? Did I want to get promoted at my current job? If yes why wasn't I doing more to prove that. How about school? Thats an option maybe I could do that. It were as if I was given a jigsaw puzzle with no reference photo and a quarter of the pieces missing. Seeing the big picture is impossible when you don't have the slightest idea of what that picture may be. So what do you do when your life is almost as messy as your bedroom floor? You eventually pick your crap up piece by piece.
Once I realized my life was currently aiming in a downward spiral I had to gain some big dick energy and sort out some on my problems at work and home. I'll be honest and admit I did not embrace any sort of big dick energy and definitely cried in the back room of where I work for a solid 45 minutes. However, that conversation that lead to tears was a necessary one in dealing with my life drama, once that was sorted it was a long road to learning from that experience and preventing the same events from happening again. If you can take anything out of this paragraph I suggest that if have life drama find the source and hash that shit out. Accept your wrong doings and move on. Whether thats cutting ties or rebuilding a relationship that was previously failing then thats what you need to do. Ghosting or avoiding situations do LITERALLY NOTHING. The silent treatment is stupid. Don't let your inner high schooler tell you otherwise. Once apologies have been received and given focus on moving forward, don't make the same mistakes and be conscious of how you may have had part in perpetuating any issues that lead to it all. Following fixing my relationships with people I really had to focus on myself. Now that I wasn't worried about what everyone else was doing or saying it was time to take action in getting my life together and figuring out where in the hell I was going. This is where my personalized incremental stairway came into action. I am a very list oriented person. If there is no physical list then it is not something I need to immediately take action on. Essentially if I don't have it staring me down in the face making me feel guilty I'm not doing it and will pretend it is not necessary. I'm pretty sure my very first list tackled a whole bunch of tasks I had put off since moving. Things like applying for passport, meeting with the bank to get a credit card, getting my tires changed etc. "well Jorden what did any of these things have to do with fixing yourself" in all honesty it had just about everything to do with it. Starting this list was exactly what I needed because all the things I put on there were things that caused me major anxiety. By forcing myself to follow the list I was accomplishing one or two things a week and forcing myself to get out of bed get dressed and do at least SOMETHING for myself. Instead of laying in bed staring at a wall wide awake for hours on end I was starting to put some productivity back into my life. While conquering things on the list I was also conquering my anxieties but also combatting my depression. Eventually things got crossed off and were replaced with things like making plans with a friend, planning a hike, applying for school, enrolling in classes, following up on projects for work, etc. My to do list forced me into taking small steps towards the big goal of bettering myself. All of these so called goals or steps may seem superficial or inferior but they were the steps I needed to get on track. Once I was working toward myself I was able to release all the anxiety of not doing anything and finally start to think of what more I could do and what I really wanted to get out of it all. Nine months later and I am tossing my chalkboard dresser in which my lists used to lay. All those small tasks have now become habits and routines and I am able to clearly see how to get from point a to point b. My baby steps are still just baby steps but they are all moving up. Its as if life is a games of chutes and ladders except I had no ladders and my dice can only roll a one. One step at a time with a thousand opportunities the fall back down. It is nine months later and I have readjusted my future goals giving up a career in dance. I am enrolled and excelling in my ASU program for Mass Media and Communication. I have an incredible group of friends that literally spent all of Canada day with me just because they knew it was something I cared about and wanted to celebrate. My living situation is great and I am happy to call this small condo my home. Since crying in the backroom of my workplace I have been recently promoted and am thrilled to be taking on more responsibility and learning what more I can do and help. In addition to all that I'm planning trips and taking action to travel and experience the world. It's been a long time coming and it doesn't always run smoothly but I am in a place that I am happy with. Things don't change unless you do. Take responsibly for your actions or your lack there of and start somewhere. Make your lists and make them small but cross your shit out and keep moving. Life is a jigsaw puzzle with a quarter of the pieces missing and you have no idea what the picture your piecing together is supposed to be. But, if you can find at least somewhere to start then eventually you'll be able to put your pieces together one by one and create a small idea of what the picture your building will turnout to be. That my friend, is at least further then you were before. -Jorden
1 Comment
Kit
7/6/2018 09:10:22 pm
<3 you're a smarty. All you need to do is babysteps like you're doing, and they pay off huge down the line.
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