JORDADDY
Guess who's back, back again1/5/2020 The year is 2020,
we are saving turtles an orange man runs the usa milk is cancelled cursive writing is irrelevant we stan the environment I, Jorden have started a blog once again. Welcome to the new year and not so new me. My 2019 was a year filled with more than I could have ever imagined. I experienced, good, bad, amazing, literal hell and everything in between. This past year has harbored an abundance of growth I didn't think I was ready for. Yet here I am in 2020 on my feet and working through whatever life throws at me. I started off 2019 with a trip all the way across the world to Johannesburg, SA. Nothing could have prepared me for the rush of emotions the trip brought. I could go on and on about all this trip taught me but to keep it short I learned to be thankful for what I have and that continuous education of the world outside of your own is good for soul. Following that I competed in a barista competition, I made it to our regional finals in which I got to speak on ethical coffee practices. The competition inspired me to dive into Starbucks and learn how an ethical company takes care of not only their partners but also coffee farmers around the world. I presented a coffee called Rwanda, Abakundakwa which is a coffee made by an all women's farm in Rwanda. It was was built following a genocide that wiped out huge communities and families. Following my research I walk into work everyday taking pride in the company I work for and all it does to distribute their wealth in meaningful and impactful ways. I spent the summer reconnecting with my little sister. We didnt grow up very close and while sharing a room with her for 6 weeks made us both go crazy I can say with confidence that we came out of it with a renewed love for one another. Following that I picked up my best friend Anissa and we hit the road. Driving from Airdrie down the Pacific Coast and back to Vegas. We had no plan and probably almost died but it was a blast from start to finish. This girl is literally my soul mate, she's reminded me what its like to be with family. The following months were a blur of not having my shit together. I made some crappy mistakes. I made the healthy yet difficult decision to remove people from my life. I moved out of the condo I had been in for 2 years. It was a lot of changes all at once and I just let it drain me. My days were filled with a lot of long naps and a massive loss of motivation. It happens. Luckily, I had friends (and a new found therapist) that helped me get back up. This year I learned to accept and even ask for help. I let people in and I cried to them about how shitty everything was and not only did they listen but they helped me carry the weight of my world despite having their own to worry about. I am thankful everyday for the people in my life and the happiness they bring me. Loneliness was something I did not know in 2019. I'm entering 2020 being vulnerable. Something I have refused to be, resented the mention of and retaliated against when referenced as. Being vulnerable is the most powerful thing I learned in 2019 because it forced me to open up and not only be honest with myself but also the people I care about. By being vulnerable I practice authenticity. I give my actions meaning and I am genuine in the things I speak about. The year is 2020 we care about mental health friends can be family stress is cancelled vulnerability is relevant we stan therapy
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who I am1/16/2019 My name is Jorden Paige Blackwell
I am Canadian I am American I am a performer I am a traveler a Sagittarius a friend a daughter a sister a person but who am I really? I am a girl that can't sit still. I mean I will walk circles around a room until I'm finally yelled at to sit down. Im commonly described as weird or eccentric and I only eat ketchup with my fries. I believe all religions are tied together and some truth must be in there somewhere but if we really do die, and thats it, I'm at peace with that too. I believe in ghosts, and have my fair share of stories. I grew up in a small city but my roots can be found on an acreage off the side of a tiny town with way more horses than allowed. I was my grandpas girl and my cowboy boots have flowers on them. I grew up with cats and a family that sat in my playroom entertaining the little girl I was with barbies and dinosaurs. Im a girl that loves deeply but shows affection sparingly. I refused hugs until I was 18. Im described as someone that speaks her mind yet my feelings stay silent. I think Nickelback is a great band regardless of mass opinion. My favorite genre of music is folk but I'm happy to rap a couple Eminem songs no matter the time or place. I smile big, I laugh loud and I shriek even louder. Sports require hand eye coordination and 'finesse’ I do not possess. A dance studio grew me and two very kind people raised me. The values I own and the thoughts I think stem from a life ridden with unreasoned sadness but to that I also owe my success and gratefulness. I was once a girl with a dream that came true and am now a girl with a road ahead to a destination unknown. Blessed with experiences and opportunities and fortunate enough to understand their value and worth. I'm a big sister that didn't do everything right but didn't particularly do it wrong either. I have a smart mouth but an even smarter head and am most definitely my worst critic. I think life is really just one big grey area and I'm truly just here to spread a little color. Nothing is black or white but whoever said it needed to be? I think to live honestly is to also live transparent. To not deceive, mislead nor withhold. Whether talking to the elderly, mothers and fathers or children I remain the same. I do not cater to those around me and will never attempt to be someone I am not, for the person I am, is special. I preach that happiness must come from oneself and sometimes the best way to get through a day is to remember it is only 24 hours. I battle my demons alone but I put up one hell of a fight. My favorite color is lime green and when I was young I wanted to be an archeologist. I have a solid perception of ethics and debating the privileged is one of my hobbies. I accept my ignorance and welcome all learning opportunities with open arms. I make mistakes but try to right my wrongs. Apologies don't mean anything but a change in actions can mean more than the whole world. I am a person I am ethical I am responsible I am independent kind inquisitive smart loving I am Jorden I could never condense who I am into a piece of writing because a person is much more complicated than anything a compilation of words could ever convey. I am everything above but I am also so much more. 201812/30/2018 Let me start this by saying 2018 was a whirlwind of crazy. Good, bad, sad, challenging but all together amazing and nothing short of life changing. In 2018 I went back to NYC for the first time since leaving in 2015 when I went to school there. I went to California multiple times and each time was amazing and filled with memories. In September two of my best friends came to visit me in Vegas and then I went to Maui with two of the most authentic and genuine people I know. I jumped off 50 foot waterfalls, snorkeled in coral reefs, surfed, hiked, swam and indulged in somethings not too good for me. I spent part of my birthday month in my hometown since being gone for over a year. I partied hard with my friends, spent time with my family and damn near perfected my hangover cure. I closed the year off by spending Christmas with my friends in Vegas that have become more like family at this point. I got a hedgehog, started this blog, got a promotion, I started college, I stopped college, got bangs, booked a trip to Africa and learned a ton about who I am.
2018 held so many amazing memories and experiences for me and truly changed me as a person. With all that good however, there was also a lot of shit. As I've talked about in previous blogs I suffer from depression and this year reminded me once again just how hard it can be to cope with a mental illness. Behind the scenes of all the good 2018 brought was the episodes of days without eating, hours spent staring at walls, breakdowns worthy of an academy award and a ton of searching for what in the fuck would make me happy. My resolutions for this last year were to take accountability for my happiness, show appreciation for others and to really focus on self growth. I can honestly say I accomplished all of those and the trials and triumphs I experienced only made me learn and grow more. This year however, I simply am trying to give less shits about everything. I want to stop giving so much of myself away to people and exerting so much energy into being perfect or picking myself apart when I make a mistake. This year I want to do whatever makes me happy. I don't expect 2019 to be amazing or perfect or my best year yet, in fact I anticipate 2019 will be a lot like last year, and the year before that, and the one before that. Everyone always enters a new year hoping that this is gonna be it, the best one yet but honestly a new year doesn't mean anything. It will have ups and downs and times where everything sucks and times where everything is going right. The number on the calendar doesn't mean anything, what you do with the next 365 days is up to you and you're in charge of how you react to everything thrown at you. This may be a new year but it sure as hell is the same me. Im going to make mistakes Im going to be happy Im going to be sad Im going to travel Im going to spend too much money eating out Im probably not going to go the gym Im going to thank god for the amazing people in my life and lastly Im going spread the fucking love. 2018, you were cool but Thank u, next. Jorden The last day of 1911/25/2018 2 decades. 20 years. 243 months, 1,043 weeks, 7,300 days.
Tomorrow I turn 20, I can no longer refer to myself as a teenager and can no longer use "well I'm only 19" as a valid excuse for literally anything. Its crazy to think that tomorrow I really am just a young adult. It's like the 2 year trial of kind of being an adult and not actually being one is finally coming to an end and I'm being forced to continue my subscription. Does this mean I have to actually get my own Netflix account or? Over the last 365 days I've learned a lot about what it means to grow up so here are 20 lessons I've learned before turning 20. 1. You are the only one accountable for your happiness If you're not happy it is your responsibility to find out how to fix it, literally no one can force your happiness and cannot ease your pain as well as you can. Don't blame others for your own mind, you are your own creator. 2. You can make it happen If you want something, you can do it. If you want it bad enough you will seize the opportunities as they come. You are only restricted by yourself and if you work hard enough your possibilities are endless. 3. Be kind I have never had an experience where I enjoyed ruining someones day, I have never felt fulfillment from putting someone else down and I have never enjoyed the aftermath of an argument or personal turmoil. If you are kind and do your best to help those around you people will be kind in return. 4. Being angry gets you nothing I have never done anything productive while being angry and I have never felt good while being angry. Holding grudges and letting words get to you just has a negative personal effect. Don't go searching for an argument and if something happens, its best just to let it go. 5. People don't owe you shit you can give and give and give but at the end of the day, you chose to do that. People don't owe you anything, people can leave your life with no reason and they are allowed to do that. You can love someone and they can simply just not love you back. No matter how much you want something and how much you give, people have the right to not reciprocate. You can't do anything about it. 6. Don't give yourself away to people Keep some things to yourself. You win the game by not giving them every part of you. Take that for what you will. 7. You are what you pretend to be This one is hard to explain but quite simply if you pretend to be something you're not, eventually you will become what you pretend to be. 8. Self reflection is key to personal growth check in with yourself regularly, if you did something you're not proud of take a look at why you did it and work on it. 9. Take time for yourself Alone time is essential for your mental health, indulge in it but not in excessive amounts. 10. Dont ignore your problems everything catches up with you, if something happens its best just to confront it. 11. Every great experience is at least a little scary Jumping off a 50 ft cliff? super scary. Was it worth it? Absolutely. 12. Somethings just need time Shit happens and things can suck and sometimes theres nothing you can do. At the end of the day somethings just need time before they can be okay again. 13. Vegetables are good, eat more. this one is self explanatory 14. Not everyone is worthy of your love and attention don't feed the ego and simply do not give time to toxic people. Those that see you as nothing more than a pretty face are not worthy of your time. 15. Its okay to hurt Somethings are sad and sometimes you get hurt and it is okay to be upset and its okay to take time to feel okay again. 16. Have all the dance parties Having mini solo dance parties is an amazing experience and I encourage everyone to have at least one daily. Dance all that negative energy out and breathe some new life in. 17. Take your medicine The stuff taste awful but works great 18. Go to the movies and eat food alone literally why not? Take yourself out on a date and do whatever you want to do. You are your own fucking queen and you better god damn cherish yourself. 19.Put in effort with your friends Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to but you do it anyways because its means something to the other. Be a good friend and show them you care. Give them your time and attention and be there for those that need you. Listen and be grateful you have someone who cares about you. 20. Love and be kind to yourself You are your own hero, be proud of it. -Jorden the lottery10/24/2018 Lately I've been thinking about what being rich would be like. Obviously having money and the freedom to do those things would be fun but would it really make me happy? I used to think yes, I thought that money could solve all my problems and supply me with everything I want. Lately, I've been sad. Its normal and it will pass but I've been asking myself frequently why am I sad, what am I doing that could be perpetuating it? What don't I have that is preventing me from being happy? While I haven't quite figured out that answer I've realized that money has nothing to do with my sadness. Of course, I could have more. In fact I could use some more for sure but I'm not sad over that. So if money isn't a cause for my sadness could money be a cause for my happiness? Say I won the lottery. Set for life. I could buy my family whatever they needed, I could travel wherever, buy a big house wherever, eat out and buy whatever I want. Life would be good but would anything ever be special? My most rewarding experiences are things that I had to work hard for. The ones where I had to pinch pennies and take short cuts and struggle to acheive made it so much more rewarding. Everything I've given myself knowing that I earned that has given me the most happiness. If I had the power to do whatever I wanted I think having the option to just do it would make it less rewarding or exciting. I want to be financially stable but I have no desire to live in a giant house I don't need. I have no want to go stay in a private cabana in the caribbean when I could scour for local places to visit and see how others live. A fancy purse would be cool yeah but is having a cool purse gonna supply me with the memories and experiences I will talk about forever? I guess in my session of sadness I realized that everything that makes me happy came from either simple experiences or interactions or memories I had to work really hard to experience. The more work put into it the more rewarding it feels when I succeed. I don't need to win a million dollar lottery, I've won the lottery in everything else. Ambition, stability, family and friends. I have everything I could possibly want. -Jor So this is whats up10/5/2018 So I'm sitting in this coffee shop alone trying to write a blog that I've restarted 3 times already. Its ironic that for someone who has so much on their mind all the time that its nearly impossible for me to spell it all out. The past month has been a pretty crazy one for me having just gotten back home from Maui and having my two friends from Canada come visit and then a couple side events not worth mentioning. You see this past month has brought me a lot of good things but has also brought me a lot of doubt. You see the plague of the human mind is our never ending trails of thought and for someone who is so deeply aware of my inner thoughts its super easy for me to get caught up in it all. Lately I feel my days while are busy and fun are burdened with this behind the scenes noise of all the doubt I've been experiencing with no resolutions to come. All these things I want answers to and I have no idea what the best way to solve them is. So my current hopeful solution is to write about them.
Recently I read something that said a lot of the time people confuse the feeling of familiarity with deeper romantic feelings. I've really been thinking about that over and over again. I mean, it kind of makes sense. Instead of putting ourselves out there we fall for people we are simply comfortable with. I mean I love being comfortable and I love being around people I feel like I can be myself around but almost all of my best memories and experiences have come from times when I felt the most uncomfortable and the most nervous and the most scared. If I settled for being comfortable I would never do the things I'm gonna remember for the rest of my life. Taking the thought of being comfortable in romantic settings and translating that into literally everything, the most rewarding memories are the ones I had to push myself to do. Another thought that has been plaguing me is the feeling of not being enough. Not being enough for my friends, for my family and well basically anything. Obviously everyone experiences this every so often but Im so tired of blaming myself for people not being consistent in my life. I know people are busy and they move on and things change. I mean heck I wrote an entire blog on how a lot of people in your life are temporary but I'm tired of picking myself apart for people not staying consistent. I feel like every time I'm in a social setting or a friendship that doesn't last I'm stuck critiquing myself into how to make myself better and where I went wrong and what I could improve on. It's exhausting to constantly be giving yourself constructive criticism. It's necessary to be self aware and know where you went wrong but to be doing so every single day is just toxic. I think the point that I truly need to get across to myself is that I'm pretty fucking awesome. Like I don't want to sound cocky but I am smart, I'm funny, I'm a good listener and I really just care a lot about people. Don't get me wrong I make mistakes and everyone has some toxic qualities but when it comes down to it I'm a solid person and I am enough. I can't be blame myself for others not seeing my value and I think I need to accept that sometimes all I can do is my best and if thats not enough, well then its not worth it. You see I think I'm going through a bit of an identity crisis and while I have way more on my mind these two topics seemed the best to write down. You see at the moment I'm not sure who I want to be in 5 years and I don't know where I want to be in 5 years. As someone that usually has an idea of what I want I think the uncertainty is really just getting to me because so many things are in flux or are changing and I have no idea what to do with myself. But at the same time, I think I just need to go with the flow. I have no need to know where I want to be in 5 years because I have the power to be and do whatever I want. And Im doing that. I guess to leave you guys what I'm gonna say is don't settle for being comfortable, risks are the best memories and to know your value. We're all just trying to get through it all so do the best you can and if you can't get something out of your head, write it out. Regards, Jorden Letter to my younger self9/24/2018 Dear Jorden, If you ever had the chance to read what I'm about to say you wouldn't recognize me. You would wonder where and how your life turned around and when you got so cheesy and emotional. You would probably scoff and toss the letter because you already think you have it figured out. I know you're angry and its really just a cover for being sad but you don't know that yet. Your goals lay in materialistic values and and while you speak your mind you never speak your truth. You sit at night wondering why the people you care about keep leaving and search for the blame to place on yourself. You wallow silently and alone and put on a facade of confidence you've tricked yourself into believing. You do not have it all figured out. You're smart but also very ignorant. You have strong morals and values but you don't know how to act on them. You have no idea how much yours and other peoples mental illness has affected your life and upbringing. As you later learn mental illness pushes people to do and say uncharacteristic things that are very hurtful to those surrounding them. Unfortunately you've take a very big chunk of that from other people and believe what they say. Always a support system never one to be supported. I know the things said and done will be carried with you for years and in all honesty we're still working on it. But its a process. You're not crazy and its not your fault and you certainly don't deserve it but unfortunately you had to be some peoples stepping stone to get better. I promise it wasn't intentional though. While you're not perfect you can't blame yourself for the struggles in these important relationships. I can't stress it enough but you are not the reason people walked away. Your are so special, open minded, beautiful and brave and I'm sorry you do not hear those things in the context you need to hear them. You put on a good front but soon this will all catch up with you and damn are you gonna learn so much about what you really want. There is so much more to your life then success and perfectionism. It is okay to fail and its alright to be sad as long as you keep going. Make sure to cherish the simple things in your life because they are so goddamn special and one day you will miss the familiarity of it all. Stop internalizing everything and start putting yourself out there, people will and do love you I promise. The uncomfortable situations are the most rewarding and while you already kind of know that, you really just have to live in it. If I could send you one piece of advice or one thing to take from this it would be to work on yourself. Stop for a moment here and there and listen to what you really want and what truly makes you happy. Work on the things your burry and get to know who you really are. We're gonna figure out, and you are gonna be so happy. Jorden White noise9/2/2018 Well, I guess I've been busy. I've had time to write, and yet I haven't. I can't say its been for lack of ideas, or inspiration but rather motivation. Or perhaps too many thoughts overwhelming me. Particularly lately my head has been a jumble of things. I know that overall I'm happy. I surround myself with people that make me happy. But still theres always this white noise in the back of my head that sometimes get overwhelmingly loud. It creeps up and drowns the happiness and I'm stuck in that struggle of trying to find the off switch.
Tonight the white noise has gotten to that point. I had a good day, nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, if I had to relive today I would do it the exact same way. Yet here I am sitting on a couch that is not mine. Wrapped in a blanket with the t.v turned to Harry Potter (deathly hallows pt 2 for those wondering.) and I'm drowning with thoughts I'd rather not think. You see, in all my other posts I've tried to take things for a positive and borderline educational turn yet some days theres no lessons to learn. Somedays you take what you get and you just get through it. You count down the hours to a new day and you survive. I wrote this blog with an intention of being honest with my audience and in the act of being completely transparent I feel like shit right now. In this moment I hate everything. Tomorrow seems as though it will be a nuisance and tonight feels as though it will never end. I am someone that struggles with mental illness. I commonly understate the extremity of it for fear of being stereotyped and labeled for things I am not. This white noise that fills my head will be something I deal with for the rest of my life. It comes in waves now just as I'm sure it will then. The white noise will be in the background no matter how much I try to overpower it. Everyday people around us have their personal struggles. We all learn and we all do our best to cope but sometimes we drown, and I'm starting to think that, thats aright. Mental illness or not we can have days where we feel like the sky is falling and we as humans are allowed to be happy but also a bit sad at the same time. I am grateful for everything I have and I couldn't ask for more but today, or rather tonight is a night where I'm going to allow myself to drown. And then tomorrow, I'll pull myself up and try my hand at trying to overpower the white noise for a little bit longer. Shit happens, we all drown sometimes. Find a way to pull yourself up and give it another go. Jordens Music8/9/2018 Here are links to a bunch of the songs I listen to when I need to think.
Work Song Hozier The Cave Mumford & Sons Way Down We Go - Stripped Kaleo Hello Adele Make It To Me Sam Smith Say You Wont Let Go James Arthur People Help the People Birdy Pray Sam Smith If I aint Got You, Spotify Session James Bay cover Here I am SOJA Sweater Weather, Spotify Session The Neighborhood Nirvana Sam Smith Location, Spotify Session AJR cover Bruises Lewis Capaldi Cherry Wine Hozier Skinny Love Birdy Youth Daughter We Don't Eat James Vincent McMorrow Empire Shakira Burning House Cam Check Back for more -Jorden love me naked8/1/2018 At the end of the day I take off my makeup, my uncomfortable clothes, my timberland boots and throw my hair into a bun. My oversized tshirt hangs off of me, bumps, bruises and scratches cover my legs. The doors behind me close and my personal walls come down. I sit in a puddle of blankets with my netflix prepped, my clean laundry not put away and 3 empty starbucks cups on my side table. I lay there alone with thoughts overwhelming my mind, and when I look in the mirror I fight the mean thoughts my insecurities bring. I may be in my pjs but in a sense I'm naked, free of my daily filters and mental distractions. Im left with the person only I get to know
Growing up my friends started having 'boyfriends' in middle school. They claimed they loved these boys and then broke up with them or were broken up with, within the week. My mom always gave me the choice in when I start dating; however, from a young age my mom explained to me that the purpose of dating was to find someone you could see yourself marrying or spending your life with. Well let me tell you that one look at my middle school choices and I knew I would not be having any relationships anytime soon. I turned down all dates declaring I was too young and maybe if they still liked me in high school I would consider it. Well, high school came along and by that time I knew that my hometown wasn't the place for and well even if I found someone I really cared about I would never love them enough to stay. My best friend was my date to my Grad Banquet (canadian prom basically) and any feelings I had for anyone were held at bay by the countdown to my move. Well, here I am 2 years out of highschool, moved and very secure in my current life and still very very single and planning for my hopeful future cats. So often I'm faced with questions asking why I'm still single and let me first say that I am still only 19. I have plenty of time to date around and find someone, but if you must know I suppose there are multiple answers I could give you. Firstly, hook up culture is super prominent in my age group and totally not what I'm into. Don't get me wrong I %100 support everyone that decides to do that, and definitely cheer my friends on in those antics but why would I waste the time of others by pretending that thats something I want. In other senses I suppose I know what I deserve, I refuse to accept half assed efforts because I have no interest in being someones second choice. I am young but very independent and handle a lot of situations many 20 year olds parents still handle for them. I want someone that can handle their own shit and doesn't need someone to hold their hand while doing it. I am here as a support system, not a baby sitter. Lastly and with all that being said I guess I'm just scared. I do not give people chances because I hate the idea and feeling of getting hurt. Not to sound cliche, but so many times I feel I have let friends and even family in only to be rejected or have my insecurities used against me. I care so deeply for the people around me and for lack of better words it just fucking sucks when that is not reciprocated. Words fill my head telling me that the people I let truly know me will just end up leaving like those in the past. I guess what I want and am looking for is someone that is going to love me naked. Naked as in the person I become behind closed doors, the person I become when I let my walls and many guards down. I want someone that will love me for the quirks others hate and for the mess in my head I can't alway control. Someone that understands and knows why I am the way I am and will tell me when I'm wrong not out of spite but out of the need for growth. A person that will still think I'm pretty when I have no makeup on and am curled up in my bed at 4am on my 7th hour of binge watching Grey's Anatomy for the fourth time. A guy thats willing to help me off the floor when I get over confident and open that next bottle of wine and a guy that supports me in the things I care about. But also someone that knows, that when the tables are turned I will do the exact same thing for them. I will put my best effort into the people I care about and I understand that somedays one person has to give 60% when the other person can only give 40%. I don't need huge romantic gestures, gifts, their 24/7 attention or my face plastered over their social media. I just need someone that will love me when that masks come off and the messy part of me shows but also lets me see their messy side. I suppose, if I came across a person like this then the chance of getting hurt, would be worth the risk. Until then, I am happy with where I am and I'm happy working on myself and worrying about what I want. I know at the end of the day, I will never break my own heart and I am the person accountable for putting bandages on both my physical and emotions cuts and bruises. -Jorden AuthorJust another cranky 90's baby living in Las Vegas. Archives
January 2020
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