JORDADDY
As you are7/12/2018 When I was in elementary school I remember struggling on how to respond to the question "who is your role model" or "who do you want to be like when you grow up". Other kids would pick celebrities or family members but I never truly felt I could connect with any of my options. Its not that I didn't admire them but rather I just knew I wasn't like them. I feel like from a young age we are told to look for role models. We are influenced into finding someone we admire and then attempt to follow their footsteps. I mean with social media invading just about every aspect of our lives how could we not gain these preconceived notations of how we should be? We chase after picture perfect lifestyles and personalities we never truly see the full side of rather than looking at ourselves and embracing what we have. It's okay to look at successful people and draw inspiration from what they do but too many times I find we try to recreate what we think we want. I guess in a sense it all boils down to the question of how well do you know and love yourself?
For so long I thought I knew who I was. I went through majority of high school thinking I knew what I wanted and knew who I was going to be. I suppressed all the things I didn't like about myself. I acted in ways I thought other people would like and I had a constant anxiety of doing something wrong. We live in a society where people question the unordinary. I am someone who is constantly having solo dance parties or saying whatever comes to my mind and making loud and obnoxious squeals. I do and react to things naturally without a filter and so many times I'm faced with questions from those around me saying things like "why are you so extra?" or "Jorden you're so weird". Rather than apologizing like how I used to, I now simply shrug and continue. If anything, I'll spew a little "I am what I am". The past couple months, as I'm sure if you've read my previous blogs you'll know; I've been working a lot on self reflection. I had so much anxiety of how I was talking to people or what I might do to offend someone or have them not like me. What I've learned is that we are all so caught up in the status quo. We shame our friends for making mistakes or doing things out of the ordinary rather that embracing the learning experience or loving them for their individualism. I am someone that cares very deeply for my friends. If someone needs something I try to help them as much as I can, my fault in this is sometimes split loyalty or caring for someone so much I refuse to acknowledge helping them is not for the better. I've made mistakes in doing too much for the wrong people but I know that if I was presented the same situation again I would do the exact same thing because in that moment I thought I was doing what was right. I am someone that is loud and creative and quirky and rather than suppress those things about myself I've learned to embrace them because they make me who I am and they are what set me apart. I embrace the good and the bad in myself and am accountable if the bad sometimes goes too far. I have mood swings, sometimes I gossip a little too much and god do I hate doing my dishes. While I can work on those things sometimes the best thing I can do is just be aware of them and not make excuses when that bad part of me gets in the way. Over the last couple months I've been stepping out of my comfort zone and really focusing on experiencing life. I bought a ticket to Hawaii on a whim with some friends, went to a reggae concert, booked a solo trip to Africa to visit a family friend, went to a rave, bought a hedge hog and have been seeing my friends and doing fun things with them. I've been a little bit of all over the place and rather than cheering me on people around me ask me why. Why have I been acting so different. Why I want to go on these trips. Why I want to go see music I don't even listen to. Why am I being someone they do not recognize. Honestly, why even question it? I'm having fun, I'm living my life. Putting myself in environments I'm not accustomed to has really opened my perspectives and changed me for the better. I've been exposed to so many different and lovely people. Each one holding a unique trait or the potential to be incredible. I see and meet new people from different crowds and I draw inspiration from them. I grow and I learn and I open myself up to different lifestyles and cultures and I celebrate the individualism of the world we live in. I wrote this blog today because I want to encourage people to live their best life unapologetically. I want people to learn about themselves and what makes them happy and follow through on it. Live your life and be yourself because being what others want you to gets you nowhere. Being like those personalities you see on social media doesn't mean you're better than others or that you have some secret figured out. You have the secret figured out when people can attack your insecurities and you can move on without a second thought because you love who you are. We are not perfect, we have flaws but the best we can do is embrace them and love ourselves not in spite of but rather because of everything that makes us, us. My name is Jorden Paige Blackwell. I am someone who thinks deeply and acts loud. I run from things that don't have an immediate fix and I fear imperfection or the idea of not achieving. I have resting bitch face and sometimes I face my anger with passive aggressive actions. I trust others easily and assume the best. I embrace what I can't change and I allow people to make mistakes and accept apologies when they come my way. I'm passionate and I care sometimes too much but I constantly focus on growth. I dance and I sing and I guess now I write. I want to travel and I want to live my life as freely as I can while simultaneously building it for the future. I'm great with long distance friendships because I enjoy moving around. I hate cooking, I love board games and cats are definitely better than dogs. I'm quick and witty but sometimes I gain a loss of words. I'm afraid of spiders and in five years I'd like to be vegan. I love reading and obviously the books are better than the movie but I will never turn down a Harry Potter movie marathon. I am what I am. Love yourself, embrace your imperfections and live your life the way you want to live it. -Jorden
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My own incremental stairway up7/3/2018 Nine months ago my life was nothing short of a raging shit show. I had stopped taking my anti depressants, my personal life drama infiltrated both my work and living space and my head was spinning in a million different directions. I had no idea where I wanted to be or go and what paths to take. Every goal I made just seemed way to far out of reach and so I never particularly worked towards them knowing it wouldn't work. Not only was my relationships with just about everyone wavering but I had no clue who I as a person was or wanted to be. Was I going to be a dancer? If so why wasn't I taking classes and going to auditions like I promised I would? Did I want to get promoted at my current job? If yes why wasn't I doing more to prove that. How about school? Thats an option maybe I could do that. It were as if I was given a jigsaw puzzle with no reference photo and a quarter of the pieces missing. Seeing the big picture is impossible when you don't have the slightest idea of what that picture may be. So what do you do when your life is almost as messy as your bedroom floor? You eventually pick your crap up piece by piece.
Once I realized my life was currently aiming in a downward spiral I had to gain some big dick energy and sort out some on my problems at work and home. I'll be honest and admit I did not embrace any sort of big dick energy and definitely cried in the back room of where I work for a solid 45 minutes. However, that conversation that lead to tears was a necessary one in dealing with my life drama, once that was sorted it was a long road to learning from that experience and preventing the same events from happening again. If you can take anything out of this paragraph I suggest that if have life drama find the source and hash that shit out. Accept your wrong doings and move on. Whether thats cutting ties or rebuilding a relationship that was previously failing then thats what you need to do. Ghosting or avoiding situations do LITERALLY NOTHING. The silent treatment is stupid. Don't let your inner high schooler tell you otherwise. Once apologies have been received and given focus on moving forward, don't make the same mistakes and be conscious of how you may have had part in perpetuating any issues that lead to it all. Following fixing my relationships with people I really had to focus on myself. Now that I wasn't worried about what everyone else was doing or saying it was time to take action in getting my life together and figuring out where in the hell I was going. This is where my personalized incremental stairway came into action. I am a very list oriented person. If there is no physical list then it is not something I need to immediately take action on. Essentially if I don't have it staring me down in the face making me feel guilty I'm not doing it and will pretend it is not necessary. I'm pretty sure my very first list tackled a whole bunch of tasks I had put off since moving. Things like applying for passport, meeting with the bank to get a credit card, getting my tires changed etc. "well Jorden what did any of these things have to do with fixing yourself" in all honesty it had just about everything to do with it. Starting this list was exactly what I needed because all the things I put on there were things that caused me major anxiety. By forcing myself to follow the list I was accomplishing one or two things a week and forcing myself to get out of bed get dressed and do at least SOMETHING for myself. Instead of laying in bed staring at a wall wide awake for hours on end I was starting to put some productivity back into my life. While conquering things on the list I was also conquering my anxieties but also combatting my depression. Eventually things got crossed off and were replaced with things like making plans with a friend, planning a hike, applying for school, enrolling in classes, following up on projects for work, etc. My to do list forced me into taking small steps towards the big goal of bettering myself. All of these so called goals or steps may seem superficial or inferior but they were the steps I needed to get on track. Once I was working toward myself I was able to release all the anxiety of not doing anything and finally start to think of what more I could do and what I really wanted to get out of it all. Nine months later and I am tossing my chalkboard dresser in which my lists used to lay. All those small tasks have now become habits and routines and I am able to clearly see how to get from point a to point b. My baby steps are still just baby steps but they are all moving up. Its as if life is a games of chutes and ladders except I had no ladders and my dice can only roll a one. One step at a time with a thousand opportunities the fall back down. It is nine months later and I have readjusted my future goals giving up a career in dance. I am enrolled and excelling in my ASU program for Mass Media and Communication. I have an incredible group of friends that literally spent all of Canada day with me just because they knew it was something I cared about and wanted to celebrate. My living situation is great and I am happy to call this small condo my home. Since crying in the backroom of my workplace I have been recently promoted and am thrilled to be taking on more responsibility and learning what more I can do and help. In addition to all that I'm planning trips and taking action to travel and experience the world. It's been a long time coming and it doesn't always run smoothly but I am in a place that I am happy with. Things don't change unless you do. Take responsibly for your actions or your lack there of and start somewhere. Make your lists and make them small but cross your shit out and keep moving. Life is a jigsaw puzzle with a quarter of the pieces missing and you have no idea what the picture your piecing together is supposed to be. But, if you can find at least somewhere to start then eventually you'll be able to put your pieces together one by one and create a small idea of what the picture your building will turnout to be. That my friend, is at least further then you were before. -Jorden Man, I feel like a women?6/22/2018 "Wait, wait, you're telling me you moved here on your own at 18?" "yeah I did, just over a year ago now." "your parents aren't here?" "no, just me." "Oh c'mon, you must have come with a boy or followed one here." "no, I came here on my own.". This was a conversation I had with an acquaintance the other day. While occasionally I do run into shock when I tell people I moved here on my own this was the one of the many encounters I've had where the conversation trails as to find out who was supporting me. Why must I had "followed" a boy here? Why can't people grasp the fact that I, a young, independent 19 year old girl am able to fully support myself.
Nearly everyday I watch young womens accomplishments be diminished by simple comments coming from men questioning their ability to be more that just a pretty face. While obviously there are many amazing guys and not all men are like this I can't help but want to fight against the ones that are. I didn't open my laptop today with the intention of writing a cliche feminist post but this is something that gets on my nerves everyday because you know what sir? "You look much prettier when you smile." is not an appropriate greeting. I work with and know so many amazing women that work hard everyday. They have gotten where they are because of themselves and the prerogative they possess. I look up to so many incredible women as leaders and yet in everyday society we are still treated as less by a certain strain of men that carry some very outdated views. As if these men have the right to insert their demeaning opinions or statements and we should just laugh it off and give them a look at that pretty smile. Without even covering the topic of being stalked, grabbed, catcalled or cornered in public places women are continually put down by the lack of faith or belief that we can live successfully while being independent. So many times I, and other girls are talked to as if we in no way occupy the brain capacity to handle specific topics or concepts. I'm not saying we know everything (your wife or mom will probably disagree) but I hate the arrogance of assuming we do not have the mind span for certain information. Before I moved I was naive in thinking misogyny was not common to experience or witness. As a young girl living as an independent I've realized misogyny is something you will face on a daily basis from not only men but also women. While women vs. women is a topic I'll save for another day I really just want everyone to not make assumptions based on how I and other women dress, talk and how we do our hair and makeup in the morning. We are ALL humans and we ALL are capable of doing whatever we work on so please drop the whole "Oh you need to find a handsome boyfriend to take care of you" comments. I don't want a handsome boyfriend to take care of me I want a handsome boyfriend to be my equal and split the work with me. Anyone and everyone needs help sometimes but that doesn't mean we are unable to take care of ourselves. Asking for help is necessary but just because I can't always reach the top shelf doesn't mean I can't pay my bills, drive my car, work my full time job OR move to Las Vegas at 18 by myself. We are equals and I would never tell or imply to anyone that they are incapable of doing something by themselves. -Jorden p.s to my 2 guy roommates (That I don't think read these) and my many amazing friends that are guys, I love you, you're amazing. Thank you for reaching the shelves I cannot and also for teaching me how to change car tires or explaining American football. Also thank you to my dad for teaching me that I am capable of doing anything, from playing hockey to mudding walls I owe you a lot. But most of all thank you to all the men in my life for doing all these things and still treating me like someone with competence. In Current Events6/5/2018 Why do we always assume people who live fulfilling lives are purely happy. We see famous personel like Robin Williams, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain and we wonder how people who's dreams came true could fall into a pit of depression so bad that it would push them to take their own life. So many times over I read how no one saw these deaths coming. They were happy people living their lives with inspiration and prerogative. A couple times I have been asked my opinion on why these people would commit suicide and I honestly come short of words as I feel the answer so strongly. My key word here is feel. I do not know and I do not see yet I feel and understand why and how someone could get to this point.
I have had some incredible opportunities and experiences in my life. I have always been grateful and tried to never take them for granted. When I look back I am happy with how I've lived my life and I'm happy with where I am right now. I laugh as much as I can, I do and see as much as I can and I have some great family and friends. In fact, I've been told I am so overly confident it makes me unattractive and how I am just way too positive among other things. This is kind of funny because it isn't at all how I looked or felt a year ago when I dropped to 100 pounds after I couldn't eat, experienced extreme fatigue, body aches and shakes so bad I flew home to go to a doctor. I sat in the chair crying telling her that she wasn't listening to me because I was physically sick as she wrote an prescription for anti-depressants. I shouldn't have been surprised, that hadn't been my first run in with my mental health it had just been a while since It got to be too much to cope with on my own. I was 8 when I sat in the car with my parents when we drove over train tracks and I nonchalantly told them if I could die I would just throw myself in font of a train because it would only hurt me. Looking back someone should give my parents a pat on the back because after exchanging concerning looks they told me how much they loved me and how it would hurt them and everyone else around me if I did that. I don't think anyone can be prepared for a child to spew such sad words. Shortly after that experience I started having crying fits at random times for no apparent reason. I just remember the feeling of overwhelming sadness taking over and I did't know how to deal with it. We went to doctors but they said because of how young I was they couldn't do anything. I went to a therapist and that was an awful experience so I never returned. I think it was finally in middle school where something clicked and I just stopped crying. It just didn't feel worth it anymore. This is where I started building those walls I had mentioned in my first blog post. I created emotional barriers and drowned myself in dance, school and work to keep myself occupied. Fast forward a few years and here I am. I am 19 and finally dealing with the emotional mess inside my head that is only maintained by prescribed medication and a lot of self reflection. I am happy with my life but sometimes things get to be too much. Sometimes the sadness creeps up on me and I'm left alone in my room thinking about how life is just dealing with the next problem. One thing after another it feels. Instead of looking forward to the good I only see the bad which at times looks endless. Living just doesn't feel worth it. But then I force myself to get up and go to work, slap a smile on my face and see the people that make the days better and eventually I pull myself out of it. I live in a constant battle but I don't bring that battle into my social media , workplace and rarely my friendships and so people assume the battle does not exist. I understand these suicides because I know what it is like to live a fulfilling life in which you are happy about. I understand what its like to usually enjoy your days and the company around you. But I also understand that sometimes you fall and you can't get up and it seems pointless to ask someone to help you up. But lastly I understand that sometimes the bad just seems to outweigh the good. I guess the point here is that so many people fight a personal battle and we cannot assume that just because someone is accomplished and seems happy doesn't mean they are not fighting. Tell the ones you love you love them and offer them your support regardless of how happy they seem. Mental illness looks different in everyone so stay kind, humble and throw support around as if it were confetti. For those of you reading that do suffer from mental illness I can't say I have any wise words for you. The hardest part is that you're the only one that can truly keep yourself afloat. No one else, your loved ones included can keep you upright. At the end of the day, whether you're in your car, your bedroom, the park or the balcony of your apartment at 3 am this is your fight. Hold on to those you love and do the things you enjoy and just try to look for the good. Life sucks. Shit happens. But at the end of the day, some things are worth experiencing. -Jorden Make your own Luck5/30/2018 I did not move out of my hometown Airdrie based on luck. I was not handed a perfectly made plan with directions on how to live my life and I was not handed the rewards I reaped. My plans were never perfect, my money I had earned all on my own was very limited and the sacrifices I made sometimes cost more than the benefit was worth. Whenever I travel home I constantly get told how lucky I am. I'm bombarded with questions on how amazing my life is now or how I do it. I guess my not so wise words of advice for you is that you get what you give. This may be the Vegas in me but you don't go to a casino with $5 and walk out with a jack pot. At least not usually. I dedicated so much of my life to getting myself out of places I wasn't happy in. I worked hard and I took opportunities as they came. Moving to Vegas has been a great experience for me and I love where I am but it didn't come without sacrifice. I left all my friends and family behind, I had a very lacking "Highschool experience" and I worked as much as I could and saved just about everything. It was barely enough. When I moved here I was jobless for 2 months. I knew no one except for my one friend from NYC and her family. I didn't drive, had no healthcare and I had no clue what I was doing. I threw myself into a life I didn't understand and it was one of the hardest things I've done. It was emotionally and physically exhausting and for months it felt like an up hill battle. I regret none of it. It has been hard but I wanted to leave the place I once called home and I made it happen. It was the best thing I've ever done for myself and I encourage absolutely everyone to at least do it once. I guess my point here is, is that if you want something don't focus on luck. Luck will not get you far. Hold yourself accountable and find out what you need to do to get what you want. Don't make excuses because you have the power to change the situations you are in. Work hard and prepare yourself for the hard stuff because things rarely go as planned and shit happens. As soon as you have all your ducks in a row something happens and you're left with a mess and back at ground zero. Create your own luck. Create a life you can love and enjoy and go after what you want. This your life and you are in control of it.
-Jorden Lessons5/21/2018 You know I was going through the notes on my phone and came across a list I had made in on new years of all the things I had learned and well I thought for this weeks blog I would share some.
1. No one is going to make friends for you Looking back on this one is quite interesting because I thoroughly remember the process of figuring this out and how hard it really was to hear. All my life I thought making friends should just happen and if people wanted to hangout with me they would be the ones to initiate and ask. People would naturally come to you and make plans and life would be easy. This is false. Honestly I don't think I would have gotten this through my head if one of my close friends hadn't said somethings that seemed harsh at the time but totally necessary. They had told me that if I wanted to have friends I had to put myself out there and make plans with people. Everyone that I knew here had liked me all I had to do was put in little effort. This is something I still struggle with because out of all the insecurities I could have my biggest one is my relationship with people. I grew up with an idea that I was a consistent inconvenience for people and it really affected my confidence in becoming a part of peoples lives. While this may be a work in progress I've learned not to be afraid of asking people to hangout and go do things. If I want to do something then I need to have the balls to plan it and have people come. I'm happy to admit I've come a long way and I can definitely say I've made some incredible friends since. 2.Voice your appreciation. I cut off a lot of my feelings for a while and in a way that really inhibited me from really appreciating those around me. I didn't like people doing things for me because I didn't like owing people something or having them hold that thing against me. When I moved here I had so many people help me and I truly could not have gotten by without so many of them and none of them expected anything in return or ever made me feel bad for needing them. This was new for me and something I still struggle with is just accepting help and saying thank you. To anyone reading this that has become a part of my life since moving I want to thank you for being here and adding value to my days and making my life worth being happy about. Without knowing it you all have taught me so much and have really impacted who I am. 3. Know your audience. Another lesson that hit me harder than a brick to the face was learning not to air your dirty laundry. For some reason I have become notorious for being bad with secrets. I always have good intuitions and never do things in spite of or with the intent to cause problems but somehow I say things to the wrong people at the wrong time and everything gets complicated. I'm super open about my personal life but sometimes my life involves a lot more than just me so oversharing has become something I'm consistently working on. Without going to into detail and writing a novel for you all, people talk and words get twisted and telephone is a game we should leave in elementary school. So what knowing your audience means to me is knowing who you're telling things to and how they might perceive and react. Be cautious of what you share especially when it involves more than just you. 4. Don't keep things inside either though. While don't go around telling your business to everyone it is imperative you have at least one or two people that you can talk to. Keeping things built up is super toxic and I don't know about you but I don't enjoy crying for 45 minutes simply because my netflix show wouldn't turn on. Express yourself but do so to those you can trust. 5. A tough exterior won't save you from yourself. As I previously spoke about in my first blog post I spent a lot of years building a lot of emotional barriers. I became very defensive and while the words others said to me didn't hurt the things I said to myself hurt alot more than sticks and stones ever would. I had a toxic mindset that took anything I was slightly conscious about and aplified that insecurity to huge magnitudes that made me painfully antisocial and defensive. However no one would really ever notice because as I constantly heard things like " wow I wish I had your confidence" or "Jorden you're so full of yourself" One time I even had a guy tell me I was less attractive because I was "Overly confident". I put on an act that I didn't care and I thought faking it until you made it was the only way to go. I drowned myself in my own thoughts and catching my breath afterwards was a process worth going through. which brings me to, 6. Love yourself. In order to deal with number 5 I had to do a lot of self reflection as to why I created this image of toughness. I had to take everything I was insecure about and figure out why, then I had to confront the core of all of that. It was a long and exhausting process that I'm still dealing with but the outcome has been amazing. Every time I tackle one of my problems its like a load being lifted off and I'm finally starting to figure out who I am and why I do things and finally I'm learning to love myself and all the things that have made me who I am. Even if those things were hard to go through I am proud of the person I'm becoming. Lastly, 7. Everyone makes mistakes. We have all been there. We've said things, we've done things we wish we could take back and I'm sure we have all gone through our toxic stages. As young adults we are all trying to figure out the ropes. There are no blueprints on being happy and I don't know about you guys but if math class taught me anything its that you're never gonna get where you need to be without a little trial and error. Do yourself and those around you a favor and just let go of your grudges. Grudges are a waste of emotions and energy and the best way to move forward is to just accept. Shit happens. Best we just roll with it and continue. Anyways, those are 7 things I learned in 2017. Live your life with intent, appreciation, compassion, love, authenticity and most importantly, just live life for yourself. -Jorden Temporary friends5/14/2018 This morning I scrolled through instagram and saw all the kids in my hometown graduating from high school alongside some that were graduating from college. They post pictures with their friends they've know since the were 6 and their boyfriends they met in 9th grade. I go to work and I see how everyone around me has know each other since middle school and how they've maintained friendships for years on end that only get stronger. These are the people that will one day write wedding speeches for one another, they're the people that will one day be called auntie and uncle when they tell stories to their kids of all the dumb things they used to do when they were teenagers. They've been their for each others rebellious stage or for their first heart break and for that one or five times they got just a little too drunk. These people grow up alongside one another and see each other change into better versions of themselves. They are a community of friends that have become family and are the foundations of each others identity.
I grew up always jumping from school to school for no apparent reason. At 15 I moved away on my own only to return home and go to a high school in a different city than where I lived. I graduated at 17 only to move out of the country for a second time at 18. All my life I have been constantly jumping from communities of people never feeling like have found a place that I truly belong. I never got that group of people that have been with me through everything. Then again I never really gave anyone a chance to be those people. While a lot of the time I wonder what it's like to live a life surrounded by those that have known you since the start, I've been lucky enough to really love the people I consider temporary friends. Moving around I've gotten the opportunity to meet a wide array of people, each time I move I wind up with a group of friends completely different than the last. I've gotten to lean how different types of people think and how they grow up and I've learned how close you can get to people in such short period of time. Some of my best friends I met and left within one year of knowing them and they are some of my biggest supporters and greatest friends. While with a lot of people our friendship ends when I leave, however I leave with experiences and memories I wouldn't trade for anything. When I go through a heart break I will shoot my friends back home a text while I lean on the shoulder of someone I met a couple months ago. At my wedding my current best friend may not be my maid of honor but they will be their smiling from within the crowd just as I will do for them. The speeches being given will be from people that have never met one another and will cover completely different parts of my life from when they knew me. When I look back, I look back on memories filled with nothing but happiness as I remember the people I've met and became friends with, while I may not be able to recreate those memories ever again I can carry them with me wherever I end up next. I constantly live on the cusp of friend groups that will continue once I leave, I've learned that while friends may be expendable the memories you create with them are not . I see the the photos of people I used to know living their lives and growing up and I smile because I was fortunate to know that person at a specific time in their life. I was lucky to get to know them and I'm lucky to get to watch them move forward even if from afar. I may not be surrounded by people I've grown up around but I am filled with a patchwork of memories made with people I would have never met hadn't I put myself in the position of starting over. -Jorden here i am5/7/2018 If someone asked me three years ago what my biggest fear was I typically responded that my biggest fear was living an ordinary life. I was obsessed with this idea that working a 9-5 job and living in a house married with 2 kids and white picket fence was the worst thing that could happen to me. I dreamed of stages with bright lights, crowds cheering and luxury living. Three years ago I was living in NYC with six other roommates attending the Joffrey Ballet School, J&C program. I had left my home in Airdrie, AB to a city I felt had everything I needed. Looking back I took a lot for granted and didn't utilize being in a city with so much to offer. But at 16 I'm not shocked thats what happened. When the school year ended I went home with full intention on returning but as I've learned, shit happens. I never did return to Joffrey and I can't say I'm angry at how things have turned out. I'm 19 now, living in Las Vegas in a condo with 3 boys, working full time at starbucks and just starting out on my online degree in Mass Communication and Media. I moved here with the intention of becoming a professional dancer and attending audition after audition until I got what I wanted. Needless to say that is not what happened. A lot of things happened this year but what matters is I'm happy now. My life has taken a very slow turn into something completely different than what I imagined and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Somewhere along the way of chasing this extraordinary life I dreamed of I fell out of love with myself. I put all my energy into surface creations and walls I refused to let people break down. I resented who I was without even really realizing it. I dug a grave and when I was all alone in a city I didn't know I fell in face first as soon as I thought I had everything going the way I wanted. The truth is, is that I needed to live this ordinary life because it is what made me vulnerable. You see as everyone does I've made mistakes. I've hurt people, I've been hurt and when I finally fell into the grave I was digging all the walls I've been building for years came down with me. Once the walls came down I was left with a version of myself I didn't really know. This version of me cared way too much, was sensitive and sad and alone and vulnerable. Nobody likes feeling that way but I also didn't like how I felt and how I acted before. So where was I supposed to go from there? I had forgotten how to love myself and I had forgotten how to love my life. Come New Years Eve I made a resolution to be accountable for my own happiness. This is exactly what I've been doing. I started with resolving my past issues and conflicts, along with recognizing the things that drove me to be the person I didn't like. I spent a lot of time reflecting on who I was and who I wanted to be and what things made me happy. Somewhere along the way I've managed to really appreciate the life I'm living. As ordinary as it may be. I'm only 19 and I have so far to go and so much to learn and plenty of mistakes to make but I'm going to do that while being a person I can love and living a life I can appreciate. I'm taking steps to live the best ordinary life I can live and be the best person I can be. I moved to Las Vegas to find my opportunity to be extraordinary what I found was learning opportunities and a chance to become a better me.
-Jorden AuthorJust another cranky 90's baby living in Las Vegas. Archives
January 2020
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