JORDADDY
In Current Events6/5/2018 Why do we always assume people who live fulfilling lives are purely happy. We see famous personel like Robin Williams, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain and we wonder how people who's dreams came true could fall into a pit of depression so bad that it would push them to take their own life. So many times over I read how no one saw these deaths coming. They were happy people living their lives with inspiration and prerogative. A couple times I have been asked my opinion on why these people would commit suicide and I honestly come short of words as I feel the answer so strongly. My key word here is feel. I do not know and I do not see yet I feel and understand why and how someone could get to this point.
I have had some incredible opportunities and experiences in my life. I have always been grateful and tried to never take them for granted. When I look back I am happy with how I've lived my life and I'm happy with where I am right now. I laugh as much as I can, I do and see as much as I can and I have some great family and friends. In fact, I've been told I am so overly confident it makes me unattractive and how I am just way too positive among other things. This is kind of funny because it isn't at all how I looked or felt a year ago when I dropped to 100 pounds after I couldn't eat, experienced extreme fatigue, body aches and shakes so bad I flew home to go to a doctor. I sat in the chair crying telling her that she wasn't listening to me because I was physically sick as she wrote an prescription for anti-depressants. I shouldn't have been surprised, that hadn't been my first run in with my mental health it had just been a while since It got to be too much to cope with on my own. I was 8 when I sat in the car with my parents when we drove over train tracks and I nonchalantly told them if I could die I would just throw myself in font of a train because it would only hurt me. Looking back someone should give my parents a pat on the back because after exchanging concerning looks they told me how much they loved me and how it would hurt them and everyone else around me if I did that. I don't think anyone can be prepared for a child to spew such sad words. Shortly after that experience I started having crying fits at random times for no apparent reason. I just remember the feeling of overwhelming sadness taking over and I did't know how to deal with it. We went to doctors but they said because of how young I was they couldn't do anything. I went to a therapist and that was an awful experience so I never returned. I think it was finally in middle school where something clicked and I just stopped crying. It just didn't feel worth it anymore. This is where I started building those walls I had mentioned in my first blog post. I created emotional barriers and drowned myself in dance, school and work to keep myself occupied. Fast forward a few years and here I am. I am 19 and finally dealing with the emotional mess inside my head that is only maintained by prescribed medication and a lot of self reflection. I am happy with my life but sometimes things get to be too much. Sometimes the sadness creeps up on me and I'm left alone in my room thinking about how life is just dealing with the next problem. One thing after another it feels. Instead of looking forward to the good I only see the bad which at times looks endless. Living just doesn't feel worth it. But then I force myself to get up and go to work, slap a smile on my face and see the people that make the days better and eventually I pull myself out of it. I live in a constant battle but I don't bring that battle into my social media , workplace and rarely my friendships and so people assume the battle does not exist. I understand these suicides because I know what it is like to live a fulfilling life in which you are happy about. I understand what its like to usually enjoy your days and the company around you. But I also understand that sometimes you fall and you can't get up and it seems pointless to ask someone to help you up. But lastly I understand that sometimes the bad just seems to outweigh the good. I guess the point here is that so many people fight a personal battle and we cannot assume that just because someone is accomplished and seems happy doesn't mean they are not fighting. Tell the ones you love you love them and offer them your support regardless of how happy they seem. Mental illness looks different in everyone so stay kind, humble and throw support around as if it were confetti. For those of you reading that do suffer from mental illness I can't say I have any wise words for you. The hardest part is that you're the only one that can truly keep yourself afloat. No one else, your loved ones included can keep you upright. At the end of the day, whether you're in your car, your bedroom, the park or the balcony of your apartment at 3 am this is your fight. Hold on to those you love and do the things you enjoy and just try to look for the good. Life sucks. Shit happens. But at the end of the day, some things are worth experiencing. -Jorden
1 Comment
Rick Sweet
6/12/2018 05:37:47 am
What a remarkable blog from a truly courageous young lady! Thank you for sharing this insight into the thoughts and feelings of those with mental health issues. You have just brought the realities of mental health light years forward. Understanding is progress. You are blessed.
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