JORDADDY
Letter to my younger self9/24/2018 Dear Jorden, If you ever had the chance to read what I'm about to say you wouldn't recognize me. You would wonder where and how your life turned around and when you got so cheesy and emotional. You would probably scoff and toss the letter because you already think you have it figured out. I know you're angry and its really just a cover for being sad but you don't know that yet. Your goals lay in materialistic values and and while you speak your mind you never speak your truth. You sit at night wondering why the people you care about keep leaving and search for the blame to place on yourself. You wallow silently and alone and put on a facade of confidence you've tricked yourself into believing. You do not have it all figured out. You're smart but also very ignorant. You have strong morals and values but you don't know how to act on them. You have no idea how much yours and other peoples mental illness has affected your life and upbringing. As you later learn mental illness pushes people to do and say uncharacteristic things that are very hurtful to those surrounding them. Unfortunately you've take a very big chunk of that from other people and believe what they say. Always a support system never one to be supported. I know the things said and done will be carried with you for years and in all honesty we're still working on it. But its a process. You're not crazy and its not your fault and you certainly don't deserve it but unfortunately you had to be some peoples stepping stone to get better. I promise it wasn't intentional though. While you're not perfect you can't blame yourself for the struggles in these important relationships. I can't stress it enough but you are not the reason people walked away. Your are so special, open minded, beautiful and brave and I'm sorry you do not hear those things in the context you need to hear them. You put on a good front but soon this will all catch up with you and damn are you gonna learn so much about what you really want. There is so much more to your life then success and perfectionism. It is okay to fail and its alright to be sad as long as you keep going. Make sure to cherish the simple things in your life because they are so goddamn special and one day you will miss the familiarity of it all. Stop internalizing everything and start putting yourself out there, people will and do love you I promise. The uncomfortable situations are the most rewarding and while you already kind of know that, you really just have to live in it. If I could send you one piece of advice or one thing to take from this it would be to work on yourself. Stop for a moment here and there and listen to what you really want and what truly makes you happy. Work on the things your burry and get to know who you really are. We're gonna figure out, and you are gonna be so happy. Jorden
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White noise9/2/2018 Well, I guess I've been busy. I've had time to write, and yet I haven't. I can't say its been for lack of ideas, or inspiration but rather motivation. Or perhaps too many thoughts overwhelming me. Particularly lately my head has been a jumble of things. I know that overall I'm happy. I surround myself with people that make me happy. But still theres always this white noise in the back of my head that sometimes get overwhelmingly loud. It creeps up and drowns the happiness and I'm stuck in that struggle of trying to find the off switch.
Tonight the white noise has gotten to that point. I had a good day, nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, if I had to relive today I would do it the exact same way. Yet here I am sitting on a couch that is not mine. Wrapped in a blanket with the t.v turned to Harry Potter (deathly hallows pt 2 for those wondering.) and I'm drowning with thoughts I'd rather not think. You see, in all my other posts I've tried to take things for a positive and borderline educational turn yet some days theres no lessons to learn. Somedays you take what you get and you just get through it. You count down the hours to a new day and you survive. I wrote this blog with an intention of being honest with my audience and in the act of being completely transparent I feel like shit right now. In this moment I hate everything. Tomorrow seems as though it will be a nuisance and tonight feels as though it will never end. I am someone that struggles with mental illness. I commonly understate the extremity of it for fear of being stereotyped and labeled for things I am not. This white noise that fills my head will be something I deal with for the rest of my life. It comes in waves now just as I'm sure it will then. The white noise will be in the background no matter how much I try to overpower it. Everyday people around us have their personal struggles. We all learn and we all do our best to cope but sometimes we drown, and I'm starting to think that, thats aright. Mental illness or not we can have days where we feel like the sky is falling and we as humans are allowed to be happy but also a bit sad at the same time. I am grateful for everything I have and I couldn't ask for more but today, or rather tonight is a night where I'm going to allow myself to drown. And then tomorrow, I'll pull myself up and try my hand at trying to overpower the white noise for a little bit longer. Shit happens, we all drown sometimes. Find a way to pull yourself up and give it another go. AuthorJust another cranky 90's baby living in Las Vegas. Archives
January 2020
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