JORDADDY
Letter to my younger self9/24/2018 Dear Jorden, If you ever had the chance to read what I'm about to say you wouldn't recognize me. You would wonder where and how your life turned around and when you got so cheesy and emotional. You would probably scoff and toss the letter because you already think you have it figured out. I know you're angry and its really just a cover for being sad but you don't know that yet. Your goals lay in materialistic values and and while you speak your mind you never speak your truth. You sit at night wondering why the people you care about keep leaving and search for the blame to place on yourself. You wallow silently and alone and put on a facade of confidence you've tricked yourself into believing. You do not have it all figured out. You're smart but also very ignorant. You have strong morals and values but you don't know how to act on them. You have no idea how much yours and other peoples mental illness has affected your life and upbringing. As you later learn mental illness pushes people to do and say uncharacteristic things that are very hurtful to those surrounding them. Unfortunately you've take a very big chunk of that from other people and believe what they say. Always a support system never one to be supported. I know the things said and done will be carried with you for years and in all honesty we're still working on it. But its a process. You're not crazy and its not your fault and you certainly don't deserve it but unfortunately you had to be some peoples stepping stone to get better. I promise it wasn't intentional though. While you're not perfect you can't blame yourself for the struggles in these important relationships. I can't stress it enough but you are not the reason people walked away. Your are so special, open minded, beautiful and brave and I'm sorry you do not hear those things in the context you need to hear them. You put on a good front but soon this will all catch up with you and damn are you gonna learn so much about what you really want. There is so much more to your life then success and perfectionism. It is okay to fail and its alright to be sad as long as you keep going. Make sure to cherish the simple things in your life because they are so goddamn special and one day you will miss the familiarity of it all. Stop internalizing everything and start putting yourself out there, people will and do love you I promise. The uncomfortable situations are the most rewarding and while you already kind of know that, you really just have to live in it. If I could send you one piece of advice or one thing to take from this it would be to work on yourself. Stop for a moment here and there and listen to what you really want and what truly makes you happy. Work on the things your burry and get to know who you really are. We're gonna figure out, and you are gonna be so happy. Jorden
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