JORDADDY
love me naked8/1/2018 At the end of the day I take off my makeup, my uncomfortable clothes, my timberland boots and throw my hair into a bun. My oversized tshirt hangs off of me, bumps, bruises and scratches cover my legs. The doors behind me close and my personal walls come down. I sit in a puddle of blankets with my netflix prepped, my clean laundry not put away and 3 empty starbucks cups on my side table. I lay there alone with thoughts overwhelming my mind, and when I look in the mirror I fight the mean thoughts my insecurities bring. I may be in my pjs but in a sense I'm naked, free of my daily filters and mental distractions. Im left with the person only I get to know
Growing up my friends started having 'boyfriends' in middle school. They claimed they loved these boys and then broke up with them or were broken up with, within the week. My mom always gave me the choice in when I start dating; however, from a young age my mom explained to me that the purpose of dating was to find someone you could see yourself marrying or spending your life with. Well let me tell you that one look at my middle school choices and I knew I would not be having any relationships anytime soon. I turned down all dates declaring I was too young and maybe if they still liked me in high school I would consider it. Well, high school came along and by that time I knew that my hometown wasn't the place for and well even if I found someone I really cared about I would never love them enough to stay. My best friend was my date to my Grad Banquet (canadian prom basically) and any feelings I had for anyone were held at bay by the countdown to my move. Well, here I am 2 years out of highschool, moved and very secure in my current life and still very very single and planning for my hopeful future cats. So often I'm faced with questions asking why I'm still single and let me first say that I am still only 19. I have plenty of time to date around and find someone, but if you must know I suppose there are multiple answers I could give you. Firstly, hook up culture is super prominent in my age group and totally not what I'm into. Don't get me wrong I %100 support everyone that decides to do that, and definitely cheer my friends on in those antics but why would I waste the time of others by pretending that thats something I want. In other senses I suppose I know what I deserve, I refuse to accept half assed efforts because I have no interest in being someones second choice. I am young but very independent and handle a lot of situations many 20 year olds parents still handle for them. I want someone that can handle their own shit and doesn't need someone to hold their hand while doing it. I am here as a support system, not a baby sitter. Lastly and with all that being said I guess I'm just scared. I do not give people chances because I hate the idea and feeling of getting hurt. Not to sound cliche, but so many times I feel I have let friends and even family in only to be rejected or have my insecurities used against me. I care so deeply for the people around me and for lack of better words it just fucking sucks when that is not reciprocated. Words fill my head telling me that the people I let truly know me will just end up leaving like those in the past. I guess what I want and am looking for is someone that is going to love me naked. Naked as in the person I become behind closed doors, the person I become when I let my walls and many guards down. I want someone that will love me for the quirks others hate and for the mess in my head I can't alway control. Someone that understands and knows why I am the way I am and will tell me when I'm wrong not out of spite but out of the need for growth. A person that will still think I'm pretty when I have no makeup on and am curled up in my bed at 4am on my 7th hour of binge watching Grey's Anatomy for the fourth time. A guy thats willing to help me off the floor when I get over confident and open that next bottle of wine and a guy that supports me in the things I care about. But also someone that knows, that when the tables are turned I will do the exact same thing for them. I will put my best effort into the people I care about and I understand that somedays one person has to give 60% when the other person can only give 40%. I don't need huge romantic gestures, gifts, their 24/7 attention or my face plastered over their social media. I just need someone that will love me when that masks come off and the messy part of me shows but also lets me see their messy side. I suppose, if I came across a person like this then the chance of getting hurt, would be worth the risk. Until then, I am happy with where I am and I'm happy working on myself and worrying about what I want. I know at the end of the day, I will never break my own heart and I am the person accountable for putting bandages on both my physical and emotions cuts and bruises. -Jorden
1 Comment
Monica
8/2/2018 10:43:12 pm
Love your life...there’s no rush in “finding a boyfriend” enjoy your life through friends and people. You have more than enough time to find that one person you want to share it with. Love yourself first before you want to share it with someone else. Do all the things you want to do and more and along the way you will find a like minded, strapping young man to share your journey with. This is the time to find your true self and love every bit of it! I wish I did that in my 20s...but at least I get to do it in my 30s😬
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