JORDADDY
So this is whats up10/5/2018 So I'm sitting in this coffee shop alone trying to write a blog that I've restarted 3 times already. Its ironic that for someone who has so much on their mind all the time that its nearly impossible for me to spell it all out. The past month has been a pretty crazy one for me having just gotten back home from Maui and having my two friends from Canada come visit and then a couple side events not worth mentioning. You see this past month has brought me a lot of good things but has also brought me a lot of doubt. You see the plague of the human mind is our never ending trails of thought and for someone who is so deeply aware of my inner thoughts its super easy for me to get caught up in it all. Lately I feel my days while are busy and fun are burdened with this behind the scenes noise of all the doubt I've been experiencing with no resolutions to come. All these things I want answers to and I have no idea what the best way to solve them is. So my current hopeful solution is to write about them.
Recently I read something that said a lot of the time people confuse the feeling of familiarity with deeper romantic feelings. I've really been thinking about that over and over again. I mean, it kind of makes sense. Instead of putting ourselves out there we fall for people we are simply comfortable with. I mean I love being comfortable and I love being around people I feel like I can be myself around but almost all of my best memories and experiences have come from times when I felt the most uncomfortable and the most nervous and the most scared. If I settled for being comfortable I would never do the things I'm gonna remember for the rest of my life. Taking the thought of being comfortable in romantic settings and translating that into literally everything, the most rewarding memories are the ones I had to push myself to do. Another thought that has been plaguing me is the feeling of not being enough. Not being enough for my friends, for my family and well basically anything. Obviously everyone experiences this every so often but Im so tired of blaming myself for people not being consistent in my life. I know people are busy and they move on and things change. I mean heck I wrote an entire blog on how a lot of people in your life are temporary but I'm tired of picking myself apart for people not staying consistent. I feel like every time I'm in a social setting or a friendship that doesn't last I'm stuck critiquing myself into how to make myself better and where I went wrong and what I could improve on. It's exhausting to constantly be giving yourself constructive criticism. It's necessary to be self aware and know where you went wrong but to be doing so every single day is just toxic. I think the point that I truly need to get across to myself is that I'm pretty fucking awesome. Like I don't want to sound cocky but I am smart, I'm funny, I'm a good listener and I really just care a lot about people. Don't get me wrong I make mistakes and everyone has some toxic qualities but when it comes down to it I'm a solid person and I am enough. I can't be blame myself for others not seeing my value and I think I need to accept that sometimes all I can do is my best and if thats not enough, well then its not worth it. You see I think I'm going through a bit of an identity crisis and while I have way more on my mind these two topics seemed the best to write down. You see at the moment I'm not sure who I want to be in 5 years and I don't know where I want to be in 5 years. As someone that usually has an idea of what I want I think the uncertainty is really just getting to me because so many things are in flux or are changing and I have no idea what to do with myself. But at the same time, I think I just need to go with the flow. I have no need to know where I want to be in 5 years because I have the power to be and do whatever I want. And Im doing that. I guess to leave you guys what I'm gonna say is don't settle for being comfortable, risks are the best memories and to know your value. We're all just trying to get through it all so do the best you can and if you can't get something out of your head, write it out. Regards, Jorden
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